Navigating Pregnancy When a Loved One Is Experiencing Child Loss
I reached out to our loss mom community and asked what the best gifts they had received after their babies died.
I often get the message “I’m pregnant and my friend/sister-in-law just found out their baby will likely not make it. Do you have any advice? How did you and your sister navigate this?” My sister, Kaitie, got pregnant one month after we found out Stella’s diagnosis, so we totally understand how this can be hard and joyful at the same time. We asked Kaitie to share her perspective on what this was like and hope this helps someone out there going through the same thing.
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Chelsea and I wanted to share the good, bad, ugly, and uncomfortable parts of our overlapping pregnancies and births of our children...one passing at just 39 days old and the other who will turn 1 in just a few weeks. I am going to give my perspective at different phases from pregnancy through present day.
*Finding out my sister was Pregnant*
When first finding out that my sister was pregnant, I was so excited and happy for their growing family and my new niece or nephew to be. I was also comparing myself and hoping to grow my family just as quickly. We had started “trying” at the same time, Chelsea for her 2nd baby and me for my 1st. I knew Chelsea was very fertile after having conceived Adelaide after literally 1 cycle of trying to conceive. I had only been trying to conceive for about 1 month when Chelsea shared her news, so the happy feelings of her pregnancy far surpassed any sadness that I was not yet pregnant and I knew realistically that we don’t all get pregnant after just 1 month like she was able to do with 2 pregnancies at this point. I had just known for so long that deep down I wanted to be a mother more than anything and I was ready for that to happen as quickly as I could possibly make it happen. I had a good friend of mine and Chelsea’s ask if I was ok hearing her news and I said “of course! I am nothing but thrilled!”...that was about 99% true...the other 1% wished it was me with that news, but felt confident I would get there soon.
*Learning about Stella’s diagnosis in July and finding out I was pregnant at the end of August*
Learning about Stella’s diagnosis was obviously devastating and I was there for my sister as moral support as much as she would allow me to be. Even after the diagnosis I was also able to lean on Chelsea with my frustrations of trying to conceive now for 6 months. She listened to me vent, she gave me advice on how to track my cycle, she knew it would happen for us and kept my spirits up all while dealing with her own real time hardships of wondering if she would be able to carry Stella to term. I felt guilty even bringing my “issues” to the table to discuss when she was dealing with the potential life or death of the baby she was carrying, but she is my sister and we have always had an open line of communication, this time it was just open, but complicated.
When I found out that I was pregnant after 6 months of trying [I realize that in the grand scheme of things that 6 months isn’t that long, but when getting negative pregnancy test after the next for nearly 6 months, it felt like a long wait] my immediate reaction was joy and excitement that I was able to celebrate with my husband. The 2nd reaction was how is this going to make Chelsea feel. I was so nervous to tell her I was pregnant even though she knew I was trying to conceive and even discussed with me on a regular basis. Now that it was real, I just felt guilty that (hopefully) I would have a healthy baby, but that was unlikely for her. This comparison was then and is still now the thing that brings me the most pain when I see Chelsea being such an amazing and loving Aunt to Hadley and I’m not sure if/when that will go away.
I asked Chels, Doug, and Adelaide to come over because I wanted to share our news with our family as soon as possible. I knew they would catch on if I passed up a glass of wine at dinner, so it was time to rip the bandaid off. They were in our living room and I think I just kind of blurted out the news. No cute announcement, I just wanted to tell them and get it over with. I perceived Chelsea’s initial reaction as glazed over excitement. I could immediately tell that her mind was racing and that she was processing her own feelings of her pregnancy next to mine. I was not offended and completely expected a “Yay, so happy for you!” kind of reaction with a lot of contradictory thoughts that I am not privy to. They were nothing but sweet, but naturally there was an elephant in the room.
*2+ months of overlapping pregnancies*
The 2+ months of our overlapping pregnancies were filled with a lot of fear and anxiety as we quickly approached Stella’s due date. I was also trying to juggle how much I divulge to my sister whom I share everything with and trying to be sensitive to her situation. It was not easy and I was ultimately accused of “walking on eggshells” around Chelsea by my family, which was somewhat true. I was so careful with anything I brought to my sister to discuss related to Stella or Hadley, but probably to a point that irritated her.
Natural concerns that came to mind for me were “Will my baby be healthy? Will I get to experience the same amount of joy in my pregnancy when my sister is dealing with potential child loss? Will my sister be able to love my child as much as I love hers or will she only feel pain when she sees her niece who is only 6 months younger than her daughter that might not live?”
After the blood tests came back showing there were no chromosomal abnormalities, I would breathe easier, but still felt a huge sense of guilt that Hadley would likely be fine and Stella would likely not.
My sister sweetly offered to take our pregnancy pictures in a beautiful park just across the street from the hospital where Stella was born. In this day of social media, pregnancy announcements are a big deal and I wanted a picture to do this. The tricky part was when do we announce? The answer ended up being October 21st, which was just 3 weeks before Stella was born. We also had a gender reveal party November 2nd, just 8 days before Stella was born. Again, so much happiness and guilt intermingled through the whole process, but I didn’t want to wait until after Stella had arrived because it felt insensitive to Chelsea. We didn’t know if Stella would make it to birth or how long she would live after and I wanted the focus to be all Stella once she was here. I rushed to share our news so Andrew and I didn’t feel cheated out of sharing something that is happy for us. It ended up being great timing to share, but something I unnecessarily stressed about leading up to that moment.
*Stella is born!*
All eyes and focus were on Stella! There was so much fear around her arrival not knowing what would happen. Andrew and I arrived in Cincinnati around dinner time on November 9th knowing Chelsea was being induced on November 10th. I showed up in a nearly matching outfit to Chelsea (not the first time this has happened) and we had a pizza party with our family in the hotel lobby. Chelsea was taking it all in, but very overwhelmed. I was a calming presence for her and helped ease fears in any way that I could. As the night was wrapping up and we were about to go our separate ways, I realized this would be the last time our pregnancies would overlap and I wanted to get a picture to document. I had just barely started “showing” and this is the only picture we have together documenting Hadley and Stella’s overlap. This picture is now bittersweet to me, but I am so happy it exists.
Once she was born so many fears went away, but I knew my sister was in survival mode. We continued to be there for her as much as we could physically and emotionally. Anything to do with Hadley went away briefly and we soaked up our time with sweet Stella while she was here on Earth.
I didn’t get to hold Stella the first night she was born, but one weekend when I returned to see her and help in any way I could with Adelaide or errands or just to be there for Chels, I was able to sit and hold Stella for about an hour. I was shocked at how much time I got with her. I was taking her in and praying I never forget what it was like to hold her and love on her. I also had the thought that while holding her in my arms I was carrying Hadley in my womb. They never got to physically meet earth side, but the physical proximity to each other in that moment filled my heart with so much joy.
*When Stella passed away*
There is so much to say on this, but I am trying to stick to the parts that are specific to my sister dynamic and our babies.
The moment we knew could happen finally came—Stella passed away on December 18th at just 39 days old. I was sitting in my office eating lunch when I received a text message from my sister that she had passed. I immediately got up, gathered my things, and left. I was crying immediately, but held my scream in until I was alone in my car. I was rushing to get home to Andrew so we could gather our things to head to Cincinnati and hold our sweet niece for the last time.
Once we got to the hospital we were able to see Chelsea and Doug for about an hour until other family members arrived. I remember walking in seeing my sister hold her angel baby. Chelsea was crying. Doug was solemn. I had been crying the whole way up and pulled it together to walk into the room. Chelsea asked if I wanted to hold her and I did. Once I held her I started crying again as Chelsea told me that no one should have to ever hold their dead baby. This was so true and so tragic. I don’t know and hope to never know what it is like to hold your dead child, but holding my dead niece was (I hope) the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I was so thankful for the time they let me hold her, but I did not want to take the precious time away from her or Doug and placed Stella gently back into her mother’s arms.
I was in the room when the doctor came in and explained what had happened to Stella. They took responsibility for not catching things that could have been avoidable. Chelsea and Doug still advocated for their girl even after she passed by asking probing questions as to what happened to the team of doctors, but were also gracious and thanked them for allowing them to have the 39 days together they had.
I felt Hadley kick for the very first time sitting in the waiting room at the hospital after Stella had passed. This was not the time for celebration, so I discreetly helped Andrew feel the next kick.
*Hadley’s Arrival*
There was a lot of anticipation building up to her arrival. Would she come a week early, a week late or maybe on Stella’s 6th month birthday? She ended up arriving right on her due date (May 11, 2020), which is comically in character for my very regimented and scheduled girl. This was exactly 6 months and 1 day after Stella would have been 6 months old and it was impossible for me to not imagine my sister without her 6 month old as I delivered my newborn.
I was very calm once I got to the hospital and knew we would be meeting Hadley soon. I laid down for a while with a peanut ball to help my progress and text my sister. I had a distinct picture in my head/feeling of joy that Hadley had been ready to meet me for a couple days, but wanted to hold off to celebrate Stella’s 6 month birthday with her before making it earth side. I tried to involve Stella as much as I could and very much want my baby to know who her cousin was. I wore star earrings that you can clearly see in some of my very first photos with my daughter. I brought one of Stella’s preemie onesies to the hospital for Hadley to squeeze into and wear as her first outfit home knowing that she wouldn’t get to “borrow” clothes from her big cousin again like she will be able to do with big and little cousins Adelaide and Margot. I have framed pictures of her in Hadley’s nursery and the sweetest star mobile that was meant to be Stella’s, but she didn’t get to go home to gaze at it in her own crib. I see it move and spin when I’m rocking and feeding Hadley and I always think it is like Stella
...you can’t see it (or her) but you know there is something there...an energy, a presence...and I feel goosebumps then calm sweep over me.
*After birth and present day*
I was admittedly very nervous of the feeling like I have something that my sister desperately wants. She wants her baby, but she doesn’t have her and I have mine. It sounds so blunt and painful to put it that way, but that is just the hard truth and the elephant in the room since finding out I was pregnant. This feeling is not one that Chelsea imposed on me. She has been nothing but a loving sister and aunt...not to say she may not have had hard moments behind closed doors, but she has always allowed space for me to be a first time mom and be enthusiastic about it while she is simultaneously grieving the loss of her second born.
I wonder sometimes what things I have said or done that may have unintentionally caused pain to her even though I try to be mindful about what I am saying and how it will be perceived. How do I complain about getting no sleep in the first few weeks to a mom who would kill to have those pains? How do I complain that we are having issues breastfeeding and break down crying over it when it’s such a small problem in the grand scheme of things and I still have my baby? This list goes on and on, but you see my point. These are the kinds of things a sister should be able to vent to her sister about (and I did), but it was always in the back of my mind that my pain is so silly in comparison and that I should bite my tongue. Again, she was so loving and supportive, but would have had every right to not want to hear about the trivial problems of having a newborn if you actually get to HAVE your newborn.
Even through biting my tongue or worrying about saying something I shouldn’t, I tried to remind myself that just treating my sister and best friend like my sister and best friend while also holding a huge amount of space for Stella and the grief Chels was experiencing was and is my job. Walking on eggshells (though I admittedly did this at times) was not going to give my sister the genuine and loving space that she needed. It wasn’t going to allow her to come to me with her lowest lows. It wasn’t going to leave room for both of our girls to get the love, conversations, and attention they both deserved for very different reasons. It wasn’t going to let me be the best version of myself for my sister when she needed me the most. The overlap of Stella and Hadley was undoubtedly hard at times, but it was also beautiful.
It is impossible to do family gatherings or cousin photos without picturing our sweet Stella girl exactly 6 months and 1 day older than Hadley. I easily picture her wedged in between Adelaide and Hadley (and soon Margot!) and it is bittersweet. It is like the star mobile, I can’t see her, but I know she is there.
Love,
Aunt Kaitie
Advocacy Letter
lkejalkej
01. Gift Cards
This may feel so impersonal/boring, but the last thing a parent wants to think about when their baby dies is food. Most mamas I know were planning funerals, sometimes still dealing with work and life duties, while also taking care of other kids all while going through the loss of a child. Gift cards to food delivery services or starbucks are easy and very much appreciated.
02. Laurel box
I had never heard of Laurel Box until our loss mom community sent this idea and wow! I wish I had known about this earlier. Browse around at all the different options. I can tell you, I would have loved any one of these boxes with meaningful, personalized, and heart filling gifts.
03. Earrings With Meaning - Osis Earrings
Osis Earrings Etsy shop makes meaningful earrings with 10% of proceeds going to the cause the earrings are made for. I’ve linked multiple options below for child loss, T18 and T13.
04. Molly bears
Molly Bears are a favorite in our community. They are made to be the weight of your child and you can personalize them with names or something special. Many mamas find a lot of comfort in holding them.
05. Modified Dolls
Rose Watson (Instagram account @LittleMissSeamstress), is a fellow Trisomy 18 mama to her beautiful daughter, Lavender. She makes these beautifully meaningful dolls that are modified to look like specific babies. Her dolls are meant to be inclusive and she will add heart monitors, breathing and eating tubes, scar incisions and even look alike outfits and more. When we got our doll that looked like Stella my heart about burst. Seeing a baby that looks like yours is healing and babies like ours aren’t usually represented. Don’t walk, but run and follow @LittleMissSeamstress and all the good she is doing in the world.
06. Special necklaces
I’ve linked multiple options below. Necklaces that represent our babies carry so much meaning. It’s something we can wear everyday that makes us feel connected to our babies.
07. And If You Can’t Book
This book was written by a fellow loss mama (Instagram Account - @SydneyHatcher) who wrote the book that she would have wanted to be the last book she read to her daughter before she passed away. All proceeds go to Carmen’s Miracle Makers. I bawled the first time I read it, but it’s everything I felt as a mother who has endured this. I hope you love it too.
08. Personalized Candle
This candle is the perfect gift for a mom who wants to see her baby’s name. Often parents light candles on big anniversary days, tough days, or just because and lighting a candle that is personal to your baby is beautiful.
09.Personalized Memory Box
This personalized memory box filled with personalized and helpful gifts for the bereaved parent was one of my favorite gifts we received. Our box included an “S” necklace, blanket with Stella’s name on it, a Bible with Stella’s name on it, a candle, books, and helpful resources. Proceeds go to Abel Speaks, a nonprofit by fellow bereaved parents who support families that choose to carry a pregnancy with a life-limiting diagnosis to term.
10. Personal Drawing
A drawing made with love is one of the best things you can get for a grieving parent. When our babies are gone, there are no more pictures to fill our phones. A drawing like this is one way we can still visually see them and feel like they’re a continual part of our family. @EverlysArt is an account run by a fellow loss mom, who makes art in honor of her daughter, Everly.
11. Personalized Angel Wing Ornament
The holidays for me have been the hardest since losing stella. Anniversary dates, birthdays, days that hold special meaning are often easier to handle because those days are all about babies. Holidays are about anything but our babies and it’s easy to feel they’ve been forgotten. A gift like this is healing to the heart when you want to bring your baby’s memory back into the present for Christmas.
12. Star Registration
This was a common answer loss moms said they loved receiving. Looking up at the sky and knowing there is a star named after your baby feels like a gift that is up in heaven with them, rather than down here with us. Something substantial and everlasting.
Our hearts go out to anyone suffering the pain of losing a child.
It is truly the worst pain a parent can experience. We pray that this list is helpful to the person that is just trying to figure out how to support their loved one through this impossible time. You should know you are loving them simply by being here and trying.